Message in the bottle...

Dear Amirah,
I feel very lonely lately...I have a job I like...may be I still cannot leave my parent's home, but I'm still at the beginning...but I feel very lonely...

...in the place were I work I hardly could find anyone who look like you...even remotely like you...and I'm there 8-9 hours a day, so my life outside is pretty limited...the women I find there are either too ugly or too old and, definitely, none gives me the feelings I know I'd feel if I met you...

...for I know those emotions...I remember how it was to meet someone who just looked like you and has your charme...

...also I feel sick...yes...sick...

...I am a romantic man, but this damned society is changing me in someone I am not...for, on one hand, I am really sick of its corruption, its lack of finesse and its depravation...not that I am a "saint"...I'm pretty much pervert myself too...but this society is so gross in its perversion and it's completely lacking any hint of spiritual quality...it makes me sick, for I am not just my body...I could be corrupted and evil, but I recognize it...I recognize I have a soul...I recognize that I'm something which could be better...could sit on heights or fall into pits which are both higher and lower than any animal could reach...

...I am so sick of this society which seems only based upon the darkest pits into which Humanity could fall...

...I am a unbeliever...I hardly mind God or Satan...I really don't mind where I'll go when I'll be dead...but I have one belief in which I strongly believe...that belief is True Love.

...I'd kill for it.

...I'd not fear Death or Hell for it.

...I'd give the last drop of my blood and my last breath of life for it.

...but this world denies it to me...it's simple...True Love is matter of luck...if one feels strongly and deeply inside his soul that he knows how his True Love looks like...well...I guess that in that case one's to be in very good terms with Heaven or Hell to stand a chance to meet it.

...and I'm not in good...not even decent terms...with anyone of them.

...for I'm too corrupted, evil and sick to be an herald of Heaven.

...and the corruption of this world makes me too sick to be a pawn of Hell.

...I'm a damned soul walking on twilight...on the edge of night...I am so filled with hatred and fury...hatred and fury for my unluck...for my not being ever loved by anyone I loved...it's black grease that filled my soul and twisted it...oh...I am never been a saint, but I was still "decent" about 10-11 years ago...now I feel like an outcast demon...lost to Heaven & lost to Hell...I wish all the corruption, sickness and evil of this world was destroyed in fire like Sodom & Gomorrah...

...I am just a man...a fallen man...looking for his god...for his faith...for his redemption...for the only thing I would recognize as these things...my True Love...

It's funny...my spiral to damnation has started for lack of love and in my soul I feel that only a real, truly heartfelt and passionate love...a love which I'd believe only a miracle could bring me...only that could give me a chance of redeeem myself...

...but I'll never find it...funny, isn't it?

I've prayed many many times...I've tried not to think at it...may be "someone" up there would try to surprise me in a nice way...I've also tried to use sorcery...no way...no way...no way...nothing worked.

I know how your face looks like, Amirah...I met a girl that was identical to you in appearance...she wasn't you, she didn't like me and she was going to marry another man...but she has the same appearance I always thought you'd have...she also had the same mysterious charme...that strange "charismatic aura" which would cause her to feel "mighty" even if she never spoke aloud and "dangerous" even if she never said anything less than polite or kind...yes...that was something I always thought I'd have felt when I'd have met you...

I know your name...I know how should be your character...I know how would be your biography...

...yeah...I really know how my True Love looks like...it's you, Amirah.

I really need an endless dream of love to fill my hollow soul...I need your love to make me feel able to be a better man...without you I fill a hollow husk thrown in the gutter...in the mud...

...but we'll never have this miracle of love together... :( ...I feel my heart wracked with sorrow as I write this...
...a part of me still begs these words to not be truth, for my sanity is just tied to this last shard of hope, Amirah...I feel so sick and useless...

In the "world" in which I live, I feel surrounded with females which aren't even worth to be called "women"...
...when they've not simply the unluck of being ugly and not look not even remotely like you...I feel how sick and debased are the "wishes" upon which they put a hand of paint of "false feelings"...I feel sick...

...my "world" is filled with would-be-adulteresses bitches...with hags...with bitches which behave in a way so bestial and disgusting that would put shame on an animal...

...I am so sick of all this, Amirah...I only wish a pure, simple and fiery love...

...I know that one is getting near to thirties, that becomes less likely than a fiery tale, but I am so sick of compromises...I am so sick of all this mud...all I wish is to have a serene life with you as my beloved and loving wife...with a couple of kids calling me "Dad"...and to be able to offer them at least the same chances I had been given (even if I had fought hard for what I've earned, I've been lucky and I still cannot call myself a "man of success")...sometimes this seems such a miracle that not even Him could be able to do it...

...but may be that simply he doesn't mind...more likely...sometimes I feel strongly to bounce my head upon the wall..I know that wouldn't change anything...but not even sorcery worked...not even prayers worked...
...as last resort I tried to put a magical sigil on the web to try employ the subconscious of other people to my ends...no way...the image on this blog, a sigil for English-speakers, wasn't visited by anyone speaking English lately...oh...well...I mean...most Italians don't speak English that well, so I don't think a sigil in English will work on Italian people...the other one...on a forum...made for Italian-speakers...well...it was the least visited thread of all my "life" on that forum!

Sometimes seems that someone likes to play hard tricks on me...I feel so hollow, Amirah...so hopeless...I am not going anywhere in my life...that's the feeling I have in the last years...I try to stun myself with work...I try to fool myself into thinking that I "really want" a lot of money or a great careeer...but the truth is that...yeah...
...they could be useful...but I'm truly scared at the idea of how I'd feel after reaching the top...

...I want to be a manager in five-ten years...and to become the CEO and then the chairman of the group in which I work by the time I reach my forties...to have a great success in my job and career...

...I want to earn enough money to not ever had to worry (even by far) about how to reach the end of month or how to pay the studies to my children...that means to earn a lot of money...

...but what's the truth?

...the truth beyond this is that...sure...I want both things above...they'd be great for I feel I'm worthy of this kind of great success and willing to work hard to show that I'm worth of them...but if I reached those goals without having you by my side...well...I wonder if I'd be able to suffer the sorrow that I'll feel after reaching those heights without you...all alone...none with me...
...none with me which I could love with all my heart or put trust in...

...I have an heart made of blackened steel...maybe even titanium...but I think it'd break at that point...to be the giant on the pile of gold...to be the lonely Scrooge...I'd die of it...really...

...there's still a very long way...sometimes I wonder even if I really stand a chance of reaching my goal...if the place in which I work with isn't "cheated" as other places where you could reach some goals only if you were already "marked to win" by someone else...but I am a fanatic...I only have my work...all is lost in my life, but work...I lost almost all joy in the things I once loved...when I come back from work I am so tired that I couldn't follow my old passions anymore...I feel as if my soul has shrinked and I cannot even think that even my "more earthly" goals couldn't be reached...work is the only thing which is left in my life...and I've not sacrificed anything to it...just...I never had much more else...

I don't know what to say, Amirah...this is really a message in the bottle...I don't know if you'll see it...I don't know if Him himself would mind to read it and may be feel like making a great miracle for nothing...for making happy a soul which isn't worth a pierced coin...but I am hopeless...

...at this point of my life I am still fighting to be financially indipendent...then I'll fight for success...the only thing I hope is to have my chance for success and to be able to fight my "battle" for you...for you, as my wife...
...and for our children...and also to fight for a better world for you...as my wife...and for my children...

If you, Amirah, won't be my wife and I'd not have any child from you...well...I feel like I could put a rope around my neck, tie it to a rock and jump in the next river I find...my work...my battle often takes a lot of my energy, but sometimes I feel deeply inside how painful is to be fighting without being fighting also for you! :(

Please, You Who Know Who You Are, help me...I've nothing to give in return for this miracle...I've nothing to give for my dreams...but they are the only things that make my life feeling like life...and I'm feeling that they're slipping out of my reach... :( ...I'll promise I'll try to be a better person, following Amirah's example...I know that's not worth anything, but it's the only thing I could say that I know it'd be truth...